Chaos, panic, disorder, my work is done here
by Killer Barbie
Summary: Based on true story. Endomiel and I make a dangerous journey into forbidden school basement. We found Moria... are there gateways to Me? Rating for some profanity


The Fellowship of the Calculator - How Endomiel and I discovered Moria in our school basement  
  
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Okay, I know this sounds ridiculous, but it's true. The school I'm in, is a miniature version of Middle-earth. No really, it is! Yeah, yeah, I know, you may have read other fics of mine and have concluded that i'm insane. Or you read my summary and first couple of lines and have concluded that. I must admit that it's true. That's what happens when you're born insane, hyperactive, on chocolate, coffee, sugar, cookies, candy, fanfic, reviews and hobbitweed. But, supposing that you have nothing better to do anyway (school and homework do not count as better things to do) you could read on and find out what kind of ridiculous thing I came up with this time. Endomiel and I discovered Moria in our school basement, it's as simple as that. Which is why this story is based on the truth. In fact, it is entirely true because sheep really are evil.  
  
But back to what I'm saying. Middle-earth is in my Highschool. So are Sauron and his orcs. Why we haven't found Frodo, Legolas, Éomer, Aragorn and all the other cuties is still a mystery to us. But we will find them. And when we do... well we all know what we'd like to do when we'd get our hands on one, or, potentially, more than one of them... that's part one of our quest. Part two... I'll tell you how it came to pass.  
  
The sun was shining, the sky was blue, it was 25 degrees Centigrade outside, and everybody was wearing short clothes because the weather was so great. Scrap that. The sky was grey, the sun was lost, and rain poured from the sky. Students wore warm clothes because it was so friggin' cold. Most of them were soaked too. Just your average day on a terribly boring highschool in terribly boring... *dramatic pause* Holland. Yes people, I for once and for all in deep shame admit it, I live in Holland. The most boring country in the world. Trust me, it is. Thank God I'm not 100% Dutch. But I wasn't telling that. The weather sucked and the students were soaked.  
  
Endomiel and I were walking through our school. At that time, Endomiel had blue hair. She's evil so she likes to shock people. OH MY FRIGGING GOD!!! Was probably the most normal reaction she got. Our response to their responses is simply to laugh our asses off. But since the hair had already been blue for a while, people didn't do it that often anymore. As we walked we talked (did you see how that rhymes? Yes I am hyperactive, yes I took too much of you don't even want to know what and yes I am insane) about our favorite subject. Lord of the Rings. Since it was our break and for once in her life Endomiel wasn't hungry, we were utterly bored.  
  
'Hey Elvy'  
  
'What, Endy?'  
  
'I'm bored'  
  
'So?'  
  
'I want Legolas'  
  
'Don't we all?'  
  
'True'  
  
'You know what? Let's go to the basement'  
  
'We're not supposed to be there' Endomiel wickedly grinned.  
  
'Exactly' I answered. We entered the forbidden hallway. There's not much to it, really. How I know? *grins* We made sure teachers didn't just decide to show up and ran over to the stairs. We slid down the railing of the stairs (and have made a tradition of it). Endomiel couldn't help but stumble over her new apple-green baggy jeans when we got down. She's like that, you see.  
  
'Hey Elvy'  
  
'What now Endy?'  
  
'When was the last time I killed someone and where did I hide the body?' she asked. I took a sniff of the air in the basement. I so regretted it. Never EVER breathe when you're in your school basement. My God the stench was awful. Something was definitely rotting down here. One or more bodies.  
  
'For chrissakes Endy find a new place to hide your victims!' I exclaimed. She grinned.  
  
'Maybe I accidentally killed Adri'  
  
'the Diabolical Mathematics Teacher of Hell(or Doom, if you will)? I hope so! Let's go find the body... or bodies, knowing you' I proposed. Now I shall tell you what our school basement looks like. Not because it's interresting, not because I want to, not even because I need to fill the page... no simply because it's important. I will even tell you some history of the school (flee if you want to).  
  
Our school is in a very old building. It has been a monostry of origin, and after that became a seminary, then a boarding school. Currently it's a highschool for intelligent people. Yes I still wonder how in God's name I ended up in that school. Not to mention Endomiel. Well, seeing the origin, and knowing that the building is old (it looks like a goddamn palace from the outside, and several movies/television shows have been filmed in my school, oh and commercials too) it is no wonder that the basement has pillars in it, and arches. It has windows at the top, because it's a huge basement, and not entirely subterranian. Okay, so it's not entirely a basement, it's my story and I like the word. Here and there an occasianal plant from the outside comes through the window. Then there's the darkness. The windows have probably never been cleaned since the school was built, so they don't let much light in. I'm not even gonna start about the lamps that are supposed to be there.  
  
Endomiel and I started searching for the cause of the stench. Maybe it was something, in the air, maybe the hobbitweed kicked in, maybe both, maybe we are just insane (duh) or maybe we were just simply fooling around, laughing and joking, hoping to find Sauron, who from now on shall be known as Adri. At a particular point I was standing on a chair, looking over the top of a movable wall, and Endomiel was looking around the corner of it. The other corner was at that moment against the normal wall.  
  
'Hey! Elvy! It's over here!'  
  
'Holy shit! Dude! So wicked!'  
  
'Stay there! I'll chase the corps and force it in your direction!' Endomiel said. I hope you all do realize why this was bizarre. Corpses don't usually move by themselves. But then again, we're talking me and Endomiel here. With us, anything can happen. Remember, Goddess of all Good and Goddess of Evil put together is asking for strange situations.  
  
'Roger!'  
  
'Hey! Where did it go?'  
  
'Dunno...'  
  
'Well whatever it was, it sure wasn't Adri'  
  
'Too bad'  
  
'Ah well, better luck next time...' Endomiel sighed. I sighed and jumped down from the chair. I sat down on it, something which I don't usually do. Chairs are not made to sit on. Tables are. Chairs are meant to rest your feet on. I leaned on the table with my elbow.  
  
DOOM...  
  
'Dude, what was that?' Endomiel asked.  
  
'My elbow...' I reply as I let it fall onto the table again.  
  
DOOM... I repeat the movement a couple of times... DOOM... BOOM... DOOM... and then we look around us. The interior... the smell... the darkness... and... the sound. That's when we realized it. Well, sort of anyway.  
  
'A Balrog...' I said. 'A demon from the anchient world...' silence follows. Slowly the message starts to get through to us. Very slowly, since we're both blondes by nature. 'HOLY SHIT!!! WE'RE IN FRIGGIN' MORIA!!!'  
  
'HOLY *this is censored because I don't want to have to put an R-rating on this*!!! YOU'RE RIGHT!!!'  
  
'Okay. Cool. So what do you wanna do now?'  
  
'Dunno. You tell me'  
  
'Research' I said as I took my map of the school out of my bag. Okay, so I'm in year 4, we got a new one because they recently changed all the classroom numbers, made another part of the building available for the school et cetera. In one word it meant chaos. I put it on the table, Endomiel looked over my shoulder.  
  
'It's a map. Yay.'  
  
'No you dumbass, it's more than that. It's a map of the school. Right now, we are... here' I pointed at the center of the map, where "basement" was printed.  
  
'So?' she went on. I pulled out my copy of RotK and took out the map of Middle-earth.  
  
'Moria is here' I pointed at Moria, surprisingly also in the center of the map. Of my map that is. I have heard of versions where it is located more to the south. But anyway, I pointed at Moria. 'See? Same location. Which means the rest also has to be here... take, say, Mordor' I pointed out Mordor, south-east of Moria. I went south-east of the basement with my finger, and found... *dumdumdum* the Staff Section (SS).  
  
'OH MY FRIGGIN' GOD!!! OH MY HOLY GODDAMN FRIGGIN' F***IN' GOD!!! THE STAFF SECTION IS MORDOR!!!' Endomiel exclaimed.  
  
'The teachers are orcs!'  
  
'Adri is Sauron!'  
  
'OH MY GOD!!!'  
  
'We must destroy him!'  
  
'Okay. Cool. I'm game'  
  
'So...' Endomiel said.  
  
'So...?'  
  
'What now?'  
  
'What do you mean, "what now"?'  
  
'Don't we need an object that we have to destroy before we set out on the perilous quest?'  
  
'We'll steal his calculator!' I thought of in a flash of genius.  
  
'What about a Fellowship?'  
  
'Lizzy and Mary will be happy to help... along with the rest of the 1100 students...'  
  
'True... but where do we destroy the calculator?'  
  
'We must take it deep into the Staff Section and cast it back into whence it came... Adri's mailbox, from now on known as Mount Sweet-and-fluffy- rabbits-hop-over-the-rainbow'  
  
'You can't destroy it like that' Endomiel pointed out.  
  
'Silence, fool of a Goddess of Evil. Don't point out plotholes in my master plan'  
  
'Whatever'  
  
'Anyway, we must get his calculator. But first, something more important. Our school is parallel to Middle-earth. Let's go to a good spot and find the secret passageway to Middle-earth'  
  
'Yeah, let's see which classroom stands for (s)Mirkwood'  
  
'No, we're going to the Shire'  
  
'(s)Mirkwood!'  
  
'Shire!'  
  
'(s)Mirkwood!'  
  
'Shire!'  
  
'(s)Mirkwood!'  
  
'Shire!'  
  
'(s)Mirkwood!'  
  
'Shire!'  
  
'(s)Mirkwood!'  
  
'Shire!'  
  
and so on...  
  
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E/N: I know, it said in the summary that if you entered the contest in LotR Characters' Answering Machine Messages that you'd be in here. You will. If you still want to. And yes, shame on me for taking so long with it. I can't help it. I suffered from a terrible desease. The most terrible of all. The one we all fear. Writer's Block. Thankfully Endy and I discovered Moria and I got heaps of inspiration. Thus I started writing. The following people were in my contest:  
  
(Endomiel in background): (s)Mirkwood!  
  
Luithoren Silaor Mitharial  
  
Elvea *aka Rabid Legolas Fan*  
  
Starbrat  
  
Beatrice  
  
Elenya Aurelin  
  
Hwoarang Girl  
  
Sabaye Leyr  
  
Lady Mystik Raven of the Rainbow Wood  
  
Iluvelijah  
  
The Irish Wombats  
  
worm1200  
  
Shiva and  
  
Rabid-teddy.  
  
Of course you will be in here, unless you do not want to be here. I would like to know. If you didn't enter the contest but want to be in here anyway, contact me. I'm available via review, e-mail or over MSN. Of course I'd also like your opinion on this so reviews welcome. Constructive critisism will be headed and flames will be thrown at Adri. 


End file.
